Why I Keep Coming Back

The reason why I keep coming back for more, keep coming back to get kick in the balls one more time, is because I want to be the kind of person who is okay with what's going on.  I want to be the kind of person who really appreciates the moment, who can really be with what shows up.   I get to spend this weekend with her, then next week in New Orleans he gets to spend the week with her, and then the week after that I get to see her again. And that's...it.   It's kind of amazing to think about....being that calm.  Seeing it from her perspective, this weekend she gets to spend the weekend with me, and then next week she gets to spend the weekend with him, and the week after that she gets to spend the weekend with me.  What a wonderful life, if we can really see it like that.  Being that calm, that noiseless, that free, just being with what IS. There is such a beauty in embracing life from that place, loving with all my heart, supporting with little effort but with all my strength and presence, and being blissfully, joyfully, on my own journey.

Things are happening around me, and they are okay too.  This is different than a meditative state of beingness, it is an active, deeply, accepting and sharing and allowing, and surrendering to what spirit is bringing state.  THAT IS THE KIND OF PERSON I WANT TO BE.  And she keeps providing me opportunities to be that person.  And I keep wanting to step into those shoes.  I really, really, want to be that person in this crazy, beautiful world, and live in such a huge expression of love and acceptance.  And so I keep showing up to what she presents because I need the craziness of it to stretch me.  But how can I grow from it??  like.... hoooooowwww?  Will IT grow ME?  How will I even possibly grown in it if I DON'T attempt to practice it?  If I can't 'choose' how to grow in it, will whatever IT is eventually break me down or build me up or turn me over or do whatever it needs to do so I expand and become the person I want to be?  Is it just a mental flip switch or do some parts of my heart and soul need to be rewired?  How can I re-wire them without maybe shocking them out of the place they were in in the first place?

I want to really love this weekend with her, because it is the beautiful moment of now, and she loves me and is with me.  And when she's not, she's out in LIFE doing and loving her Self.  How right that is, right now.  For her, for us.  My claim is to me, and me alone.  IF I cannot love her always and forever and also let her go, then do I really deserve her?  What kind of partner would i be if I speak of freedom, radical expression, living on the edges of ourselves, to the fullest, and yet somehow have restrictions on my partner?  How do  I make myself big enough to FEEL all of this to be true?  Because these are mostly just words.  Even if I totally feel them fully right now.  I feel so because I am in a moment of great clarity.  If moments of great clarity resonate at a 10, then my normal state is probably around a 7.  How do I live the energetic of a decision I make when I am feeling 10, in my 'normal' or regular state of 7?  Can I possibly shift enough that one day the shift will become permanent?  I've seen many kinds of love in the world, practiced many kinds of love myself.  Can I be open to this one?  Can I just be full and grateful with what IS?

Dear Sequoia One

Dear Sequoia, I try not to picture you to often.  You are intoxicating into total distraction.  I could sit with you for hours and just stare at your beautiful eyes and perfect face.  Each line and ridge and expression, I recognize.  But what really overwhelms me is the sparkle between us, the shimmering knowing.  Oh, how I can't wait to hold you again.  Sometimes it's just too much to feel you, too wonderful, too perfect, too much to believe is possible.  Is it possible?  Are you waiting? Are you coming?  I know time might not mean everything, but with you on the horizon oh how i wish for time to wind its magic boldly, and quickly smooth out whatever rough edges need tending so you can come.  Just know how much love and true knowingness is waiting for you.  And I will be brave for you, strong for you, keep faith, and keep trust even when it seems impossible.  Because you know what dear Sequoia?  Nothing is impossible, not in this beautiful world and perfect Universe.  We are always becoming, and therefore infinitely possible.  I love you impossibly.  

yours,

me

Choice

Dearest, hi, I hope you're doing well holding all of this, it's a lot you're experiencing right now.  I can't tell you how much what you're going through resonates with me, and with situations I've been in....almost exactly.  It's a strange thing to be in love with two people at one, it's quite an exploration of Self, and the nature and meaning of love.  

We are expansive beings, the heart is capable of loving more than one person at once no doubt.  We are beautifully transpersonal and more complex and mysterious than our conscious minds will ever really understand.  But one thing I've realized as I work through this, in my experience because love is limitless, because we are infinite beings, because we are capable of such inclusion, 'choice' then is the Matrix upon which our lives ACTUALLY stand.  

Choice is everything.  The experiencing of being in love with two (or more) people at once is an experience.  It's meant to inform, guide, deepen, strengthen, but I don't think it's meant to be sustained indefinitely.  Again, this is my experience of it.  But in my experience, it's an incredible journey of the confusion and wisdom of the heart.  What is even more powerful though, is to choose.  How do you choose when the heart is pulling you in different directions?

The 'choice' isn't meant to be made with just the heart.  It's not meant to be made with your head either, in the way that your mind might say 'well, this is better for my kids, or my future, or whatever'  The choice is meant to be made with your entire beingness.  Choosing, or allowing yourself a particular direction, allows life to spring forth in a spectacular and specific way, in a way that you can't even see yet because you haven't made the choice.  

The sustaining of multiple worlds is an exploration, not a committment.  It's adventure of the unknown, into very true, very real, very deep lands that a wild open heart NEES to explore.  But true knowledge, true intimacy with your soul, comes from limiting ones options by making a choice.  

Whatever you think you're giving up, what you gain from this kind of 'sacrifice' is infinitely more valuable, beauitful, and transformative because it has the power of your humanity, your free will behind it.  It is a Conscious Creation, it is throwing your faith and trust into an infinitely benevolent Universe, one you believe is listening.  And the thing about choice is, you can always choose again.  You will always choose again.  And the more complex you allow your life to be the more interesting and challenging the choices become.  

Love is infinite, soul is infinite, who we are around these explorations is everything.  Every choice determines who we are, who we want to be in the world.  Choose consciously, inclusively, with deep heart and soul wisdom.  Be willing to give something up, you will be astonished by what you're given in return.

Walking The Edge

Not one bit of me was satisfied that I made you upset. I think I am just really sensitive right now....not because of Ex-girlfriend situation...because of my LIFE transition....into putting my Self at the center of my life and not being treated poorly by people I get involved with...and that includes friends and lovers and partners. i make some weird choices of people I get involved with ESPECIALLY with people I date. it's kind of a ridiculous pattern and it's a long time coming in me choosing to break it....in many ways. She is the catalyst that really is helping me to see that (through no conscious direction of her own of course). But by her disregard and indifference.

I also have ridiculous expectations of the people in my life....honestly...I do. I try and live my life at a high level and i cannot expect other people to make that same attempt, yet I always DO. AND what's even more funny, is I'm NOT GREAT at living my at that level myself! As much as i try, and will continue to try, for the good of all of humanity, and for my own sense of well being, I will continue to try. However, I am moving out of my self-annihilation phase when it comes to relationships/lovers....OF ANY KIND. I am also moving out of my expectation phase of other people to step up.

People have to do what they have to do, be where they are and quite frankly i am tired of having my heart broken, on a big level or on a small daily kind of level. My heart needs to become more generous for the basic fucked-up-ness of humanity. We are basically really fucked up...and I mean people....I mean all people. And San Francisco has really taught me that. And I say that with love, not cynicism. Being human is an enormous responsibility for which we are FAR from being fully equipt. We are floundering, flailing in the wake of our individual lostness…not matter how successful we are, no matter how great our lives are. Just look around your life for the place where it’s most complicated and you’ll see what I mean. ---
I am reevaluating a lot right now. I want to help but I don't know how I want to help. I want to create change while also letting everyone and everything be as it is on it's own evolutionary pace. I want to inspire without being attached. I want to take action without assuming a result. I want to NOT get intimately involved with people, or let people into my inner circle, who will ultimately fuck with heart…because it’s not good for ANYONE. There needs to be a respectful distance kept from certain people and situations. I need to keep them as clients, or projects, or teachers; not as friends, lovers, or partners. Does that make sense? I’m not cutting anyone out really, I’m creating new categories with more strict boundaries I think.

The truth is I am gullible, idealistic, and naive at times. I have very little protection in this area....when it comes to someone being seemingly vulnerable, seemingly loving, seemingly really asking for help or being in ‘willing’ space, I have very little protection to not totally take them in my arms. So I am creating protection through the Gods, asking them to NOT LET THESE PEOPLE INTO MY LIFE. I cannot help these kinds of people and furthermore, it DERAILS ME from helping other people, the people I SHOULD be helping, or be personally invovled with, because I get so emotionally wrapped up in all the drama with these people! Do you know what I mean? --- Anyway, just to be clear, I am NOT saying you are one of these people, far from it. You are one of the most dear, consistent, beautiful people in my life. I think I just misread the situation of the last few days with you because I'm in a really sensitive place.
It feels like my whole life is changing....and in a way IT IS. so I am just kind of looking around....not sure where to find safety or ground of being right now. I DO NOT want to find it in another person, particularly a a woman, a partner, I want to find it in myself and have 'other people' friends, lovers, whoever, there as support. But carefully so. You know, our friend G is really, really careful about letting people into his life. For him to have a 'new friend' is a really big deal. He doesn't let his inner circle or his energetic life be fucked with a whole lot and I really admire that. I've never understood it, and now I do.

There is a way of preserving oneself without protecting oneself or putting up a wall. That’s what I need to work on as well as choosing partners who don’t treat me lake crap in a relationship. Still wondering how/why I allow that...have always allowed it....in every single one of my relationships. It has always been about them, what they want/need/ etc. and I just....well....serve. I guess. I don't know, I don't mean to sound like a martyr, i'm just trying to understand this pattern in me. It wasn't always like that with me and the Ex, she is a deeply loving being, but in a certain way it WAS always like that with her. It was, a lot of the time, all about her. And i let it in the last year go from bad to worse to cruel. I let that happen. I stayed in that energetic. BECAUSE she is so sweet, and is a peacemaker, and we do have this deep soul connection, it was really fucking difficult for me to see the truth of 'us' besides just the good stuff of us.

It has been an epic journey for me to admit this shit and take it on as REAL. Does that make sense? because it changes everything for me, and that kind of change is radically destabilizing, until it can morph into the most profound power....which it hasn't quite done yet. --- Lastly, I am trying something else radical. I am stopping asking the question WHY. I have asked WHY all my life....and more than serve me, it messes with me. There is a certain nature of what it means to be human, what it means to be alive, what it means to be a child of the universe, that forbids the asking of the question WHY. Because the nature of things is change and cataclysm. Things are always breaking apart. And the complex web of all of existence is so intricately intertwined that there is no way to see (and you wouldn’t want to see anyway) how it all works. IT would be like trying to look inside a microchip and see how all the information is processed, or looking at the sun and trying see the all the chemical reactions that make it shine.

We are all one, we are all connected, our reality is all dependent on EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE THAT EXISTS. The WHY is an impossible question, and is crazy making to try to follow it to it's true end....particularly in emotional situations. That's not to say I'm not going to explore myself, go deep, be the ME that I am. but I can really let WHY really disasterously complicate things. Instead, looking into the face of the Cataclysm and saying, ah, yes, this is what IS. This is what's showing up in my life. Great, take me where you mean to take me, I am on board because I am connected to all that is, which is part of what you're bringing me.
The upheaval is finding it's way towards balance, and i'm sorry I hurt you yesterday, I fucking adore you and appreciate you very much. All I can say is I’m walking the edge, and somewhere soon there will be leap.

Does Your Life Have Meaning.

I don't want to argue with you about whether or not your life is meaningful.  You can tell me how crappy it is, how much stupid shit has happened to you, how difficult people are, how much you hate your job, or really just how you can't find meaning.  Your life is still meaningful, you want to know why?  Because you're alive.  You are here and not dead.  It's as simple as that.  incarnating is a big deal.  Staying here, being here, living on this planet is a big deal.  You want to know why?  Because you're alive.  Every thought you have is the part of the matrix of all of being.  This is not hippie dippie bullshit either, it's theoretical science.  The idea is that a thought or thought form is a type of energetic body of it's own.  It takes energy to have thoughts, therefore, a thought itself is a type of energetic body.  Once energy is created it cannot be uncreated.  It can change form, it can manifest into solid structure, it can finally reach a state where it's no longer usable, but it's still energy.  It still exists.  Which means that everything you think is relevant.  How do you take responsibility for such an enormous truth?  I think only very special people can grok the true implications of something like that.   You don't have to try.  All  you have to know is that you are adding to the collective reality just by your being, so your being is so very important.  If you weren't, in a sense, and i don't like using this phrase, but it's kind of true in this special case, 'meant to be here' then you wouldn't be here.  That meant to be is a designation of the co-creative state of the universe and the being that is you.  In other words, you chose to be here, you incarnated, and poof , you are on the planet.  You came here with purpose, and your life and thoughts unfold your purpose, it's just up to you to pay attention.  Your life is very meaningful.  There is great joy in being alive, amidst the chaos, heartache, and everything else.

Follow the Action.

Follow the feeling, your feeling.  Follow the action, their action.  As much as you are loved, as much as your partner tells you they love you and offers dreams of the future, and words with ribbons on them, follow their actions.  It's actually pretty simple.  Where someone puts their action, spends their time, is where their heart really is.  It's not that we're perfect, it's not that we're not going to be self-centered at times, but the larger truth can get obscured behind words.  So gently waiting for someone to invest in you for a minute, a day, or a decision of some kind, is wise.   And if they don't, that's okay too.  You don't have to be mad at them or mad at yourself for spending too much time, but what you do have to look at is how much more time you want to spend in the illusion.  Illusions serve all of us from time to time; dealing with what we're not quite ready to deal with is a big step.  Admitting things we don't want to admit take a kind of courage that's hard to muster.  But I tell you, cataclysm is the language of the universe.  Being confronted with chaos, with the feeling of your life ripping apart is a gift.  Because there is a nugget in the midst of it that is pointing you towards your greatest future.  What you give up now pays off ten fold in what that energetic of surrender will ultimately create.  We need to give each other space to screw up and we need to give ourselves space to know when to step away.  Love isn't love if it's not reflected back in a way that makes you feel good, whole, and acknowledged.  From a friend, a parent or your lover, even from an ex-lover, you can expect more than the time of day without being bogged down by expectations.  There are reasonable expectations.  Wait for an action, be glad to get it, and be humble when you don't.  Say thank you and know either way that your gift has arrived.