Why I Keep Coming Back

The reason why I keep coming back for more, keep coming back to get kick in the balls one more time, is because I want to be the kind of person who is okay with what's going on.  I want to be the kind of person who really appreciates the moment, who can really be with what shows up.   I get to spend this weekend with her, then next week in New Orleans he gets to spend the week with her, and then the week after that I get to see her again. And that's...it.   It's kind of amazing to think about....being that calm.  Seeing it from her perspective, this weekend she gets to spend the weekend with me, and then next week she gets to spend the weekend with him, and the week after that she gets to spend the weekend with me.  What a wonderful life, if we can really see it like that.  Being that calm, that noiseless, that free, just being with what IS. There is such a beauty in embracing life from that place, loving with all my heart, supporting with little effort but with all my strength and presence, and being blissfully, joyfully, on my own journey.

Things are happening around me, and they are okay too.  This is different than a meditative state of beingness, it is an active, deeply, accepting and sharing and allowing, and surrendering to what spirit is bringing state.  THAT IS THE KIND OF PERSON I WANT TO BE.  And she keeps providing me opportunities to be that person.  And I keep wanting to step into those shoes.  I really, really, want to be that person in this crazy, beautiful world, and live in such a huge expression of love and acceptance.  And so I keep showing up to what she presents because I need the craziness of it to stretch me.  But how can I grow from it??  like.... hoooooowwww?  Will IT grow ME?  How will I even possibly grown in it if I DON'T attempt to practice it?  If I can't 'choose' how to grow in it, will whatever IT is eventually break me down or build me up or turn me over or do whatever it needs to do so I expand and become the person I want to be?  Is it just a mental flip switch or do some parts of my heart and soul need to be rewired?  How can I re-wire them without maybe shocking them out of the place they were in in the first place?

I want to really love this weekend with her, because it is the beautiful moment of now, and she loves me and is with me.  And when she's not, she's out in LIFE doing and loving her Self.  How right that is, right now.  For her, for us.  My claim is to me, and me alone.  IF I cannot love her always and forever and also let her go, then do I really deserve her?  What kind of partner would i be if I speak of freedom, radical expression, living on the edges of ourselves, to the fullest, and yet somehow have restrictions on my partner?  How do  I make myself big enough to FEEL all of this to be true?  Because these are mostly just words.  Even if I totally feel them fully right now.  I feel so because I am in a moment of great clarity.  If moments of great clarity resonate at a 10, then my normal state is probably around a 7.  How do I live the energetic of a decision I make when I am feeling 10, in my 'normal' or regular state of 7?  Can I possibly shift enough that one day the shift will become permanent?  I've seen many kinds of love in the world, practiced many kinds of love myself.  Can I be open to this one?  Can I just be full and grateful with what IS?