Love Wins.

i haven't written in a long time, i know, almost a month. Sometimes I dont' write when life is too busy taking my attention. Although I have written in other places, not the blog. i'm still getting used to being this publicly open....not that anyone is even reading this. Also, I go through periods where what I have to say is more in process than it is in practice. Like I can describe a practice of Unconditional Love, holding space for my partner while she's in New Orleans with her lover. That is a practice.

She came home by the way, and when she did she was full. She had an amazing experience, synchronisitic experience, play and wonder, exuberance, challenge. And when she came to me she was still clear that she wants to spend her life with me. She still wants us to have a 'break' from one another but in the end find each other again. So we're figuring out the details of how this can work for us. I have no idea. We are taking it day to day. Today is not a particularly good day, I woke up missing her and it's noon and I am still missing her. Mornings are the hardest, usually the light of day warms everything up. Today I just miss her and I can't imagine how I'm going to spend the next few years 'without' her.

I am actively inviting adventure back into my life. I have asked the Universe to present the people, experiences, and joyful challenges that will bring me back into a sense of myself and my journey, rather than my journey revolving around her. One of the difficulties I've been dealing with is WANTING my journey to revolve around her and NOT inviting the Universe to present new breath into my life. So this is a step for me. Feeling into how to hold her close while also letting my life open up again, is new territory. But i feel like it's also necessary if we're going to make it through this.

It's so strange from this end, having a kind of knowing that we will be on the other side of this one day while LOOKING AT IT FROM HERE and having no idea how it could be possible. She has such a distance to go to find her way back to me. The things I need to do I can probably do with or without her. I don't know actually, I haven't let go enough to feel into that. But seeing it from the other side, what a journey we will have been on together, what a distance we will have come, what a foundation of trust we will be standing on. And it's helpful to feel into that because it helps me HERE release into the creation of, creative process of, the unfolding future. Holding that vision in mind, of the three of us, she, me, and our daughter, it's almost shocking in its clarity. By visualizing that, i am connected to it...like, directly. And it eases the confusion, frustration, and occassional hopeless feeling of the current moments of transition.

The questioning that is caused in me is good questioning....and I'm sure the same kinds of questioning that she is going through. The pro's and con's of each other, timing, life path, are any of the con's too immense for me to really want for the rest of my life. Is any of this fantasy rather than what I really want? These are crucial questions for anyone on the path. Can my partner, will my partner, enhance my journey or detract from it. Do we bring out the best in each other on a daily basis? Am i willing to allow the Universe to bring in the 'righter' person if she isn't it? or will I hold on because I KNOW best what is right for me? How much, how hard, how long, will i fight for her? Is fighting antithetical to the spiritual path of cosmic unfoldment of journey and purpose relative to everything else that is also unfolding in the universe? How come I am willing to let almost anything else in my life 'go' in favor of the greater journey but not my love? not my relationship? If it's because love is RARE, and the MOST important thing to me in this incarnation, is that a good enough reason? or should I STILL defer to the Universe. What does co-creation end and ego begin?

Should I just step away until all these questions don't need to be asked and the energetic is just clear because it IS.

I've known for a long time that love isn't enough, but I didn't know what was enough. What it seems to be is a combination of radical allowance, radical letting go, and radical centering of Self...in the midst of a great love that consistently offers itself. If all of those qualities can be present, and if it can be mutual, and if can sustain itself in the uncertain dynamic of the presence of all of those for as long as it needs to, then 'love' wins. And you will have a greater love than you ever imagined in the beginning. Your hurting heart, your bruised ego, your parenthetical thoughts about the welcoming of death, will have long evapoarted because you will have moved to a new plane of connection with a human being. But you DO have to take that leap, if that's what's being asked of you. AND maybe it is radically relevant to your purpose on the planet to have such a profound connection with your partner. IT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE. but if it is what's presenting for you....then maybe it's important for you.

What have I written so far? i dont' go back and read it. This is a radical path. I know it's something about that. Radical trust, radical allowance, radical radical radical. Get out of the ego and into the cosmos. You're not crazy, you're living, you're really alive.