Scalding Sidewalk in New Jersey

Right.  okay.   I always forget how hard the first week is without her.  it's with drawl, like from some kind of serious drug.  she is crystal meth maybe, and I can't help but feel the pain as her smell fades from my room, as the feel of her cheek in my hand becomes slightly less visceral, as our energies separate.  and since I can't have my meth, I have tequila.  don't know which one is worse....or better.  it's a funny thing to be in love with someone...to feel that sense of addiction to them....to want what you want FROM them....instead of just being WITH them.  that's why situations like these are invaluable, they are so instructive because they keep the dynamic REAL.  

I mean to say that because of this situation I am kept real.  I am not allowed to fool myself into believing that I am just easefully in love.  No, I'm not.  I am in love for sure, but I am also attached, I am also addicted to 'getting' something from her that i 'need.'  Is this co-dependence? Co-dependence smacks of desperation, it heralds in the devouring sense of my-life-makes-no-sense-without-this-person;  And while from an esoteric point of view that's true, she and I have always had our own lives, experiencing reality in separate ways, and include each other only some of the time.  I THINK in the face of loosing each other...we have become MORE co-dependent....in the sense that dependence is somewhat hinged on desire.  We WANT to be together, so there is a dependence on taking care of the 'us' while the 'I's' are doing what they need to do.  It is a kind of protection, knowing that life does/is/tries to always give us more.  MORE is often misleading, and when you know what you want you just don't want to be mislead...at least not hopelessly so.   Loosing her, loosing us, loosing our life together....I don't fear that anymore.  I do get caught up in what life can do, will do, must do at times.  Even still, I think we're going to wind up together, make it through this.  But what comes up for me now is how?

I'm not really asking 'how'.  There's no way to imagine how the universe will work it out...it will be astonishing, I get that.  So what I mean by how is, how am I going to BE/LIVE/DO my life in the next year while all of this unfolds.  Not having the drug will get easier, it always does after we're apart for a while.  But....the deeper feeling there is how will i live into me....when 'I' stand still, still wanting to be with her while she's journeying? 

 What does sadness speak?  the yearning of a pure heart?  the wail of an unrequited clarity?  or is 'sadness' a default more reaction to not getting what I want?  As deeply as I feel for her, there is also a sense that all my sadness is unnecessary and could in fact be its opposite.  Allowing is giving.  To love is to free.  To let go is to evolve.  All of these are causes for celebration not sadness.  No love is lost in the process, in fact more is born through the act of self-less beingness.  'Self-less' not in the martyr paradigm but in the sense that the self is not making the choices here, rather the Self is.  The 'S'elf is actually self-LESS because the Self holds big picture vision and chooses from the greater love and experience of Oneness than the 's'elf is able to conceive or hold.

My heart breaks at the idea of loosing my baby and soars at the idea of my baby gaining herself...everyday a step closer to the possible reality we might share.  but even if we don't, she still gains herself and flies in the face of traditional world values by the very nature of her courageous journey, and my joy is living the edge with her, if i can just find the joy in it.

LIFE is PARADOX.  The MIND is NOT the HEART.  The EGO is NOT the SPIRIT.  Mind and Ego hold tight to patterns and wishes and it takes concentration and deep desire for life to LIVE IN US differently than those forces allow.  HEART and SPIRIT will give and allow and free and celebrate.  Mind and Ego will demand, deserve, and entitle, and 'make sense' of the situation.  And so this journey of heart and spirit is solo and audacious, without acknowledgment and maybe too without reward or practical fulfillment, rather the fulfillment may be in some kind of progression playing out years or decades or lifetimes from now.  that's why finding the JOY in my choices (sinking in to heart and spirit) has to be the reward in itself, somehow knowing that eliciting a greater sense of beingness is where we want to go as individuals and as a culture.  Love isn't love.  Love is LOVE.

God, I love being in love.  I resent my dysfunction and non-clarity around it.  But even when it's not clear it's still GREAT.  can you imagine what it would be like in all it's true depth and clarity?  i barely can.  I don't know if I've ever experienced it.  But I'm here for it now, stripping my layers and laying naked on the scalding sidewalk in July in New Jersey, having the cosmos bake it out of me...all of it....all that needs to go in order to make room for what the transformation is offering to bring in.