Is it better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all? that comes from a poem written in 1850. well, it's kind of sentimental Hallmark-y, here in 2009, in our age of new-cynicism and reality TV. But I bring the question up because I just kind of said something similiar out loud, randomly, in reference to my partner, who is apart from me, on her journey, doing whatever she's doing, somewhere in the world without me. I just sent her a text and told her 'I wish I could hug your heart tonight.' And I probably won't get a response from her....because she's on her journey....and that might sting....and no matter how I show-up....we might not end up together....but....the thing is....I LOVE. I love. Love is a choice, and I choose to love.
It's hard to articulate this.....because it's so....seemingly doormat-y. It gives her, or anyone else who might attempt this path, room to be whatever kind of asshole they want to be. I don't know what to say other than....there is some kind of wisdom, some kind of gift, some kind of strength and courage in giving someone ultimate space. There is nothing easy about it....although...I suspect that it may get easy after doing it for a time. you just keep on keeping on with the love and space and allowance. You keep on keeping on while checking in with yourself to make sure you are not selling your soul down the river meantime.
I have sold my soul down the river. I have done the sacrificing thing while paying the price of spirit stripping, eye sucking, expectation of some kind of return. The 'trick' is, if it can be called a trick, is to find the space in yourself where what you're doing, you're doing because you you believe it is a way of being in the worthy of scrutiny, a way of being that will stand the test of time, a way of being that is based on the higher good and the greatever evolution of everyone involved....no matter how crazy it seems.
Everyone wants to tell you to get out, you don't deserve this, you are a great person and should be loved, lots of stuff that has to do with what's yours and what's coming to you. But what is YOUR life based on? what do you want to communicate through your spirit to the rest of the world? the doormat thing is not not-real. There is a point where we can recognize a loosing battle or that we are being taken advantage of....BUT....there is all kinds of space before then where your partner can unfold in a very fucking difficult reality that even THEY can't articulate as they're trying to go through it. There is space you can hold, there are choices you can make that are life enhancing. You can hold them in a greater idea of what they may become in their exploration than you currently what to hold them in.
Why?
Because. At the end of the day....no matter HOW you slice it....what it comes down to...in the ideal version of life and love is....what Jesus or any of the great teachers would have done....Allow and Love. The thing about allowing in loving is that you have to find a space in yourself that actually let's you do. So you can't 'do it' AND at the same time be resenting doing it. It actually has to be there fully, with full resonance, so you can fully participate. This come from seeing the world, reality, life, spirit presence, with such a wide angle lens, with such vision, that the small machinations of someone's 'actions' don't effect the way of spirit, the way of the warrior. you are choosing this because no one else is choosing it. it is a gift beyond measure, to yourself and to the person on the other end other end of the receiving....and the example it is to everyone around you.
But you do it because you believe it...because you CAN do it. it's like playing the violin or painting, you do it because it's your gift and you're meant to use it. I wish the best for you, i hope it all goes your way at the end of the day and your investments pay off, and your journey is colored with great love and shiny life and beautiful people from these high, high, choices you're making. That may or may not be so. I wish it so for you, and give the universe gratitude in advance that it works out that way. But if it doesn't, the path that you choose is as vital as it is no matter what. Nelson Mandela was in jail for 27 years before he became the president of south africa. that time....what probably more than a quarter of his life. Was it a waste? did it pay off because he became president?
l love because I love. I choose to love because my love follows where my heart leads and my Self chooses to go. I love her because i do. I want her because I'm meant to. I show up because my greatest challenges come in her eyes. I am allowed this lifetime because we're meant to do this dance, and I see that, i feel that, and I want that, no matter what. so of course i give her everything, of course I offer her years, of course I offer her the more raw and barest parts of myself. Of course i will hang, and dangle, and swing, as she uncovers the language of her soul for the first time. Of course I will. Why wouldn't I? is there anywhere more interesting in the world to be? maybe, but i only have eyes for her...because I am looking with the eyes of my heart...and what they see is the unfolding cosmos, wrapped up in the pink and black and white of perfection.
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