Heart Wins.

I still think of you, relative to everything.  I don't know why.  It can't be love.  Love isn't present enough, not in anything besides the fantasy anyway.  The fantasy is strong, oh so strong; soul-cripplingly strong; stop me in my tracks and thrown my life into a tailspin strong.  What is the love then?  is it love?  Can it be that I just don't want to loose?  loose you?  or just loose?  how can it be love if the love isn't returned, if we're standing on unkindness and untruth?  how can it then be love?

Does love require maturity to be real love?  If it does, then what is it before it's mature?  not real?  tell that to a kid in high school who has his heart broken for the first time.  Tell him that his love isn't real because he's not mature enough to experience real love.  Maybe it's not about maturity, maybe it's just about one person, and another person, and their ability to see one another instead of just seeing themselves.

What hasn't been said about love?  what hasn't been felt?  what hasn't been described because it's always been indescribeable, just out of reach of words or even music.  I don't know now, the decisions of my head, if they should be trusted over the feelings of my heart.  my heart doesn't censor, my heart just IS, fully and beautifully, in this dance of life.  It tells me what it feels, and because of the nature of MY heart, the very lucky nature of my heart, it will always make room for the goodness, and let the badness melt away, slip away, slip into the background as if it never happened at all.  But that isn't happiness.  That isn't happy.  What is it?  It's a way of feeling deeply the truth of the heart while not acknowledging the truth of life.  We don't, can't, live on heart alone.  That isn't the experience of life.  It's not what life IS.  we ARE heart.  But we are also Mind, and Spirit, and Soul.  We are also a composite of our collected experience in this lifetime and others, and all of this matters when we make choices about how to live.

I LIVE.  it's true, i so passionately live, so deeply and boldly live, and  feel my heart beating and being torn apart and then soaring, and then being crushed and wrenched, and then being saved and held and loved by strangers.  but not by you.  and it doesn't matter if it's by you, because you always win.  you will always win....because that what my heart says should happen.  It says that you should always win, and so you do.  will i then be forever unhappy?  or will everything change one day?  Am I betting everything on one game?  or am i learning from this one game in which I am betting everything, how to LIVE?  I may loose it all.  And I may win it all right back, in the most miraculous of transformations.  What am i willing to risk?  I suppose everything?  right?  what else would be the point of being alive?

I look so forward to playing in consciousness.  but will the game be as alive?  this is alive what i'm doing now, and more uncertain than anything i could have bargained for, but it's without joy.  I never wanted....this.  not like this.  so why do I stay playing this kind of game if it's not what i wanted, and it's not what i want, and i know it so clearly?  because, love wins.  the heart, wins.  love will always win.  the heart will always have the final say....until i have learned that true integration is not just with another person to form a healthy partnership, but true integration is with the Self.  all parts of me, all the time.  what will be given up meanwhile, will be so many things i don't want to give up.  but what i will gain, will be numinous, electrifying, because it will be the purest the universe has to offer because everything else will have been turned away.  now it's just me and the universe.

Still though, now, and always, magic is possible too.  What magic can happen must be given space to happen in.  time and space, patience and trust.  magic can, will, does, show up and transform, it is the way of things.  great leaps for unknown reasons.  Yes, it happens, yes it's real, yes.

Yes....and.